Damn. What the fuck is missing? And why does it constantly take a toll on me every single day? I don't understand what the fuck I'm supposed to do from this point. I'm at an end. I don't drink hardly ever, I smoke only on occasion, I work all the time, I removed the shitty people out of my life...for what? To feel exactly the same, just because things got better, doesn't mean I feel any better at all. I don't know what is missing. It's not romance or dumb shit like that. But there is definitely a feeling of unfullfillment that I can't shake. I have a feeling of what it is, but I'm just trying to let that shit go. I HATE the fact that I can't ever let shit go, I've never been able to. Even though, it's all over, everything is fucking over. It still just hangs over my head like I could've prevented it, like I was the one who just threw everything away. I SHOULD be happier this way, but it's just retarded. It was my comfort zone and now it's gone. I had to begin building a new one. It's the same thing though. I mean, really what the fuck do we do all day? The same thing that I used to do with them. It's not any different. So, I don't understand why I still contemplate about the things I'll never figure out or change. I guess I just want them to feel the way I had to. Completely worthless, used, rejected, taken for granted, maybe even just a problem. Nobody really knows how badly it hurt. Hurt isn't even the word I should begin to use to describe it. I was replaced, quickly for that matter. But, It's been that way for my whole fucking life. There's always been a girl that was better. Even when I dated Jess, I wasn't his "dreamgirl" and he told me. We were over then, and he still left me for someone else anyways. But, it's just not with dudes either. I just feel like I am the step that people use to get somewhere else. They don't want to get anywhere with me, they just want closer to what I have to offer...Like other people, who have something better to offer than I do. Because for some reason, my friendship must come off as shallow or insignificant, because it's NEVER been good enough for anyone. Not even you, Logan...Because you constantly want more. It's so fucking hard all the time to try and figure out why a part of me has to feel this way. I'll never feel 100% good enough for anyone else, not even myself. Which is exactly why I didn't respect myself enough to control my drinking. I gave my everything to everyone and everyone threw it away. I still feel like everyday I still have to suffer for what I did to Jake when I was 16. I still feel like I get my karma constantly. Everyone always seems to get everything that I deserve, that I've worked for. The name I've tried to make for myself is tainted everyday. And, I'll never be the girl I want to be. But, for some reason, I still miss the girl I used to be. It doesn't make sense in my head. I know it doesn't make sense when I type it out, but damn. It's been time for a change for far too long. I want to feel the season change bring new beginning with new happiness that HOPEFULLY isn't as make believe as all the others have been. Just false hopes, because if I fuck this up or somebody ruins my chance to smile and mean it one more time, I'm so fucking out of here.

[

Mood.

|

horny

]

I'm sexually frustrated.

[

Mood.

|

content

]

Ok, so I've done some serious thinking and I figured out everything. The only reason I am unhappy is because I try to fit the mold of what everyone else wants me to be...And even if I finally changed myself enough to be whatever it is I'm supposed to be, doesn't mean it's gonna make me happy. So, in turn I've realized that the opinions of others doesn't mean SHIT to me. If you aren't in my present, there is a reason for that and sometimes I just forget. I mean, seriously I am one of the baddest bitches around and I don't see why disliking everything about everything is going to do any good at all. Yeah, sure...Shit gets lonely sometimes, not gonna lie.. But it's all fucking temporary and that's the beautiful part about growing up. I don't have any reason to be unhappy. I have everything I need to built good character, loyal friends, and a bright future. All you other motherfuckers are going to nowheresville, fucking fast. It's gonna be alright. I can tell that everything is going to be alright. Eventually, I won't even be living in Columbus, ya know? I'll get the fuck out of here if it kills me and if it does kill me...My dead body will rest in a dumpster before it's put into the dirt and shit of Columbus. I mean, it's not Columbus' fault that I hate her it's just a sunny place with shady kids. And when I say "kids" I mean kids. A bunch of fucking little kids. No wonder nobody understands where the fuck I'm coming from...I'm smarter than most of the people I know. And trying to get on your level is virtually impossible to someone who knows better. Haha, so I'm gonna go ahead and just be ME and everything will be alright. If I don't make a million friends in the process, it's probably for the better. If I don't find a boyfriend in the process, that would be fucking wonderful. HAHA, besides the whole point I'm forgetting with the whole boyfriend situation is everytime I have a boyfriend, I'm still thinking about another boy. ALWAYS. As soon as I'm unavailable, some gorgeous human being wants my company. Either way, I'm sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself, because it is just unattractive and miserable. Like everyone else doesn't have enough misery of their own to deal with...So, really.. I'm just gonna be fucking happy because I don't see the point in being anything else. =)

[	Mood.	|	gloomy	]
[	Music.	|	Dream On!!	]

I wish I could cry. I figure crying would make everything a lot easier. I mean, Jordyn made me cry out of frustration two weeks ago, but only for a short moment. I wish I didn't see crying as such a huge weakness. Because I need it. I miss my past more than I should because I feel so out of place all of the time. I hate having to make new friends all the time, I hate having to be the "new" one in the group. Nobody ever lables me as that, but it's just how I feel. All the friendships I have are so superficial. I mean, if I never talked to any of my friends again at this point, I'm sure they'd wonder about it, but probably not do much. Everyone my age has their own shit to do, like I should be doing, but instead I am wondering why I STILL don't have any friends. I fucked up my life. I don't have any sort of outlet for stress. I just sleep it off. I don't have any form of self expression, besides this. I don't really have any talents. For the life of me, I cannot understand why the fuck I thought I had it all fucking figured out. I want to be fucking oblivious. Everything will be alright, everything will be alright, every little thing will be alright. "I'm kicking out fiercely at the world around me. What went wrong?" I'm not smoking weed today.

It's far too early for me to be thinking like this. I'm gonna waste my whole day if I don't stop.

 

[

Mood.

|

cold

]

I wish I was as dumb as I looked. I feel so frustrated all the time, because I'm smarter than everyone around me, but nobody will listen to me. I just get to watch everyone around me ruin everything for themselves and me. I feel like I'm getting cheated the blissful part of life. I want to be just as ignorant as everyone else around me, but I don't get the chance. I already know what the real world is like, what growing up is like, what losing everything feels like. It's a gritty, empty, and cold feeling. I don't understand why other people don't fucking get it. That feeling sorry for yourself if just simply self-destructive. Nobody gives a shit about you, and you're an asshole for thinking that people ever should. But, here I am bitching and moaning about the same shit, always and forever. I'm always stuck in these situations that I NEVER want to be in. 
 

the beer i had for breakfast was a bottle of mad dog
and my 20/20 vision was fifty percent off
you said punch-buggy red and punched me right in my left eye
i said don't you mean pediddle? and i lit his house on fire
he came home on acid i was holding his shotgun
i was dressed like tina turner in beyond thunder dome
he said don't shoot, i said i won't i love you you're my friend
i handed him my wig and shot myself in the head
then i stuffed a box of tissues in the hole in my skull
i got in my mazda and i drove to the mall
i got a big johnson shirt and some silicone tits
when i pulled out the tissues they were covered with shit
and the beer i had for breakfast was a box of cheap white wine
and the boom box on my shoulder was a box of clementines
i ate every single one without noticing the mold
you said you're gross my darling, i said no i'm rock and roll
even though i'd never ever been in a band
i got cool as black ice tattooed on my hand
and the christians gave me comic books as if i would be scared
of burning in hell well i was already there
and the beer i had for breakfast silver bullet in the brain
and the beer i had for lunch was a bottle of night train
and the beer i had for dinner was my crazy neighbor's pills
we had to sit down on skateboards jut to make it down the hill
then i peed my pants and you stole the groom's cigar
and some old man made me watch him masturbate locked in his car
when i got back to the apartment you were face down on the floor
you said don't go to bed yet let's go get a 64
and the beer i had had for breakfast was a pint of jim beam
and a fifth of peach schnapps and some warm sunny d
i tried to screand you said bottoms up just as i bottomed out
am fuck you but blood was pouring out my mouth
evan dando never planned on telling you the truth
and your leonardo i.d. card is your fountain of youth
you can be a teenager for your whole fucking life
just find some pretty sucker and make that bitch your wife
i guess by now you all know my friends danny broke his neck
he was driving home from sirens when he got into a wreck
first i cried for him and then i cried for me
haunted by the ghost of the girl i used to be
but the rocks with holes are warm in my hands
and i buried my toes in the hot hot sand
and the silver pink pony kisses me and says
you've come a long, long way and you deserve to be really happy